Liam's Blog
Welcome, o
'th
visitor
Words of Wisdom
from a
Tiggly* Young Man
An occasional foray into the mind and spirit of a boy who knows what he likes
(Newest entries on top. Start reading from the bottom if you have never experienced Liam before.)
Eight
(Jan 23rd 2010 -)
July - Quantitative Anatomy, Lessons One and Two
One: A gagging, choking noise is heard from the next room. The noise stops. Liam comes in from that room, holding up a small action figure's lightsaber..
Liam: The distance from my lips to my uvula is this much.
Two: Liam stretches his mouth as wide as possible, eyes scrunched shut with the effort, holds thumb against lower lip, forefinger against upper lip, then holds up the resulting measurement for parents to see.
Liam: Please make my birthday cake this high.
Subtle Shades
Liam is in the bathroom, there to brush his teeth.
Liam: Where's my toothbrush? Somebody has taken it. (He starts running around the house, waving his arms, screaming at the top of his lungs.) TREASON!!!! TREASON!!!! TREAAAAAAAAASON!!!! Oh. Here it is. (Starts running again.) JUST A BIT OF TREASON!!! JUST A BIT OF TREASON!!! JUST A BIT OF TREASON!!!!!!!!
May - Gotcha
Liam and Ailey are in the back seat.
Ailey: I'm hot.
Liam: I'm hungry.
Ailey: Hot.
Liam: Hungry.
Ailey Hot!
Liam: Hungry!
Ailey: HOT!
Liam: HUNGRY!
Ailey HOT!!!!
Liam: Oh, all right then, hot.
Ailey: Hot.
Liam: I'm sorry, hot's taken. You'll have to be hungry.
May: Again with the Apples and Trees, Kid
Dad: Liam, go get dressed.
Liam: (Snaps to attention, salutes.) Yes, sir, Mister hair-between-the-nipples-guy!
March - Shower Power
Liam is in the shower. Daddy exhorts him to rinse his nether regions.
Liam: (Lifts his leg and exposes his tackle directly to the rapid stream of water. Eyes go wide at the sensation.) Woah! Taking heavy fire here!
February - Careful kid, apple don't fall far from the tree
Daddy has just stepped from the shower, resplendent in his 40-ish birthday suit, slightly, just slightly hairier than it used to be.
Daddy: Liam, you need to go get dressed for school.
Liam: I won't take orders from a man who is slowly turning into a chimpanzee.
January - Bit late with that advice
Mom and Liam have just had an argument. Liam is very upset, but through his chest-wracking sobs he declares:
Liam: Daddy, -sob- just so you know, you -sob- made a -sob- really bad decision -sob- in your marriage.
Seven
(Jan 23rd 2009 - Jan 22nd 2010)
January - Oh right, he's seven
Liam: Weirdness and girls are two words that go together like LEGO blocks
June - Medical Diagnoses R Us
Mom: This rash must have come from rolling around on the beach today
Liam: *sigh* I'm sand intolerant.
March - Good Question
Driving somewhere with Liam. Liam's looking out the window.
Liam: Twenty-four-hour car wash. Why would you want it to take that long?
March - Funny Every Seven Days
Liam: What is a guinea pig's favorite news network? The WHEEK-ly news.
February - Two Stories Written at School
January - Deeply funny.
(This was just after the floods that hit Puget Sound pretty hard)
Liam: What do you call it when the freeway is flooded? Car pool.
From this point on, Liam began to say things that were intentionally and
increasingly funny.
The Fives and Sixes
(Jan 23rd 2007 to Jan 22nd 2009)
In this part of Liam's life, he stopped saying things that were unintentionally funny, and started trying to say things that were intentionally funny. He had limited success.
(Also, the chronicler messed up his website access, and got a bit lazy)
The Fours
(Jan 23rd 2006 to Jan 22nd 2007)
January - Even funnier out of context (4y11mo)
Liam: I am out, but I seem to have lost my pants.
January - Like there was any doubt (4y11mo)
Daddy: Liam, that was a very good idea.
Liam: Yes. I thought it up with my highly evolved brain.
January - Words used well (4y11mo)
Liam drinks some sparkling apple juice.
Liam: That makes my taste gums dance.
Editor's note: For a visual precis of Liam's first encounter with carbonation, click here.
November - Understands her well (4y10mo)
Daddy is in the living room, reading a book to Liam while Ailey plays on the floor.
Ailey: Want go bathroom now.
Daddy: (Excited that she's showing any interest in potty training) OK, sweetie. What do you want to do there?
Liam: (Leans over and whispers) I think she wants to destroy the world.
September - A Fitting Tribute (4y8mo)
Liam comes into the big bedroom, climbs in with the parents. He pulls the pillow case off of Dad's pillow, and then places it carefully over Dad's head. Then he starts pushing Dad out of bed with his feet, all the while keeping up a Steve Irwin commentary: "Oh, this one's a naughty boy. If only she knew we were only trying to help her, and move her to a more suitable environment."
September - Umbilibungie (4y8mo)
Liam: (points at his belly button) This is where I was attached to Mummy so I wouldn't fall out.
July 4th - ...And moms bursting in air (4y6mo)
Liam: (Waves his finger imperiously) Mummy, you cannot come to the fireworks because you will puke.
(Last year, mummy had a stomach bug and actually did puke in the bushes on the way back from watching fireworks. Liam forgets nothing.)
June - It Probably Makes Sense to Him (4y5mo)
Liam: Where is my fish? It is not in my pants, even though I put it in my pants. I really, really, really put it in my pants
May - Put in His Place, Again (4y2mo)
It's breakfast time.
Liam: Mummy, you are the best mummy ever. You are so great. You are wonderful. I love you so much I think I will burst. There's that frikkin' daddy.
The Threes
(Jan 23rd 2005 to Jan 22nd 2006)
January - Totally didn't see it coming (3y11mo)
Daddy is at home with Liam.
Liam: Daddy, do you know the Peking Duck trick?
Daddy: No.
Liam: Then close your eyes.
Daddy: OK.
Liam: Are you peeking?
Daddy: No.
Liam: Then DUCK! (And he throws a ball at Daddy's head)
January - Like we need reminding (3y11mo)
Mummy: Liam, please don't eat your spaghetti like cookie monster.
Liam: Mummy, you're not the owner of the world, I am.
January - He who names a thing controls a thing (3y11mo)
Liam: Mummy, I think instead of Ailey we should call her triceratops
January - The Parents are Doomed (3y11mo)
Dad: Liam, time to go to bed.
Liam: Dad, you don't exist.
December - Concerned Consumer (3y11mo)
Liam is at the dinner table pretending to read the ingredients on a salad dressing.
Liam: Eggs, milk, flour, peanut butter, sugar, KILLED ELEPHANTS?!?!?!?!?
December 15th - Spoken with a little too much relish (3y11mo)
Family friend Pam is over. Pam has Liam on her lap and is reading from Lionni's "Swimmy."
Pam: And then little swimmy led all the other fish away from the big scary fish.
Liam (nodding): Away from the kill zone.
October 31st - We Got Noel Coward for a Son (3y9mo)
Mummy: Liam, since you're sick, how about we just put your costume on and trick or treat at just three houses. How does that sound?
Liam: Exquisite!
October - Breakfast of Champion Tigglers (3y9mo)
Daddy is upstairs changing Ailey, hears the tell-tale sound of Liam's wooden stool being dragged across the kitchen floor. It's a pretty hairy change, so it takes a good few minutes for Daddy to get back downstairs. Liam is at the dining table, the remains of half a pack of chocolate chip cookies (approx 12 cookies) in front of him. Daddy and Liam's eyes meet, and Daddy's glare of disapproval completely fails to dislodge Liam's tiggly pride.
Liam (smacking his lips in a dry-mouth kind of way): Daddy, (pauses, swallows) can I have some milk?
Later that same day, Liam describes the episode to Mummy.
Mummy: And did that make your tummy feel sick?
Liam: Nope. It made my tummy feel full.
October - Can't be too careful what you say around him (3y9mo)
.. coming in from the car, Liam crawling, because he is a dog.
Mummy: "Liam, you need to pee before quiet time."
Liam: "Dogs don't pee!"
Mummy (foolishly, distracted): "Sure they do! Garrett pees outside all the time."
Mummy unpacks groceries. Notices silence from Liam. Can't find him anywhere. Gets a sinking doggy sort of feeling. Liam comes in through the dog door. Now missing clothes from waist down.
Liam: "My penis is cold!"
Mum checks outside. Puddle of toddler piss on the deck.
Mummy: Liam. Garrett doesn't pee on the deck. He pees in the bushes.
Mummy then instantly regrets what she said...
August - ToddlergineeringTM (3y5mo)
Liam: Hey Daddy, did you know? Jet engines work by sucking in air at the front and pushing out oatmeal at the back really fast. You be a jet engine that pushes out bananas and I'll be one that pushes out oatmeal.
August - Remembers it as if he were there (3y7mo)
The whole fam is driving past a pre-Liam house of Mum+Dad's.
Mum: Hey Liam, we lived there before we had you.
Liam: And did you say "Hmm, I think I need a Liam?"
Mum: Well, you were already in my tummy when we moved.
Liam: And I said "Hey, it's so dark in here!"
August - The little difference that makes all the difference (3y7mo)
Liam and Daddy are examining a caterpillar that's just pupated.
Daddy: That's a chrysalis
Liam: What's a chri..., a ki..., a clitoris?
August - Daddy Knows Where He Stands (3y7mo)
Daddy is in the bathroom, pouring a bath for Liam. Liam comes in.
Daddy: Hi Liam
Liam: Hi puke
July - His Opinion (3y6mo)
Liam is given a minor reprimand by his mother. Liam shakes his head and declares "Mummy, you're getting worse"
July - A Word Used Well (3y6mo)
Daddy is just outside Liam's bedroom. He hears: BONK. "Ow! Daddy, I stubbed my head!"
June - Neologisms R Us (3y5mo)
This is just a cute one. Liam sees a guinea pig, says "Oh look, a piggy-mouse."
May - Special Guest Blog Entry from Nev
This is a comment from Liam's friend Synneva Nelson.
Nev's mother (Jen) is wearing a shirt with "IOWA" written on the front.
Nev points at each letter in turn: "I. O. W. A. spells mommy."
May - Nailed 'im (3y4mo)
The whole family is on the Victoria Clipper, heading back from Nanny+Grandad's. A really annoying little kid keeps coming to our seats and bugging us. Daddy lifts Liam back into his seat.
Daddy: Goodness, that's a heavy Liam.
Annoying kid: How heavy is he?
Daddy: Forty pounds.
Annoying kid: I weigh sixty-two pounds.
Liam: That's a waste of pounds.
April - The New Math, Liam-Style (3y3mo)
Liam and Daddy are having an argument about how many Timbits he can have.
Daddy: You can have two.
Liam: How about five?
Daddy: No, two.
Liam: Let's have a compromise. You have two and I'll have five.
April - Omniparent (3y3mo)
Liam is sitting at the supper table, does something impermissable.
Daddy+Mummy at the same time: Liam, stop that.
Liam: (sighs) Parents everywhere!
April - Liam's First Joke (3y3mo)
Liam is on the phone with grand-dad.
Liam: I don't like the color blue. I don't like the ocean, I don't like the sky, and I don't like the shirt you're wearing... HA HA! JUST KIDDING!
April - A discerning taste (3y3mo)
Liam: That tastes yucky for Liams. I spit it out.
Mum (panicking, wondering what he picked up): What? What tastes bad?
Liam: This.
Liam holds up a mug of tea that had been sitting undisturbed on a dresser for over a month. The interior is one solid slime-mould colony.
Liam (smacks his lips, makes a face, takes another sip/bite). Yes, that tastes yucky for Liams.
April - More backseat driving (3y3mo)
The whole family is in the car. Mum is reversing into the driveway after a trip.
Liam: I think Mummy should apply the brakes now, so we don't crash into the house.
March - No snide parental commentary needed (3y2mo)
Liam: When I grow up, I want to be a dinosaur.
March - It's all in the way you look at it (3y2mo)
Dad's in the bedroom with Liam.
Liam: Will you save me from the monster?
Dad: Of course. What does it look like?
Liam: Well, it has green scales and a long tail and it likes to eat me.
Mum walks into the room
Liam: THERE IT IS!!!!!
March - Interpretation is Everything (3y2mo)
Liam, Daddy, Mum and Ailey are driving along listening to Raffi.
Raffi: Bopping right along in my little red wagon
Liam: Bopping right along in my little red wagon
Raffi: Wooooon't you be my darlin'
Liam: Wooooon't you leave my garden
February - Let's stay focused, please (3y1mo)
Liam is at the lunch table eating his food. Mum comes up behind him, puts her arms around him and kisses his head.
Liam heaves a why-me sigh, and says "It's very hard to eat your lunch when someone is hugging you."
February - OK, he's starting to get a little alarming (3y1mo)
Liam, holding a toy pickup: "Daddy, this truck is here to take your leg away. Would you cut it off, please?"
February - Turning the Conversation His Way (3y1mo)
The whole family is in the car, driving to the park. The parents engage in idle conversation.
Daddy: Hey, so how's Craig and Ev's little doggie doing?
Mummy: Pretty well, I think. Bounced back from the spaying really quickly. Back to her old bouncy self.
Daddy: Good. Cute little thing.
Mummy: Yep, a sweet dog.
Liam: I'm the boss of the world.
February - Narcissism, to a Fault (3y1mo)
Liam is eating lunch. He pounds another handful and sighs.
Liam: Ah, I love me.
February - Considerate, to a Fault (3y1mo)
Liam is flushing the toilet. He's leaning over to watch the contents descend, and waving fervently.
Liam: Bye-bye poo poo! You take care now!
The Twos
(Jan 23rd 2004 to Jan 22nd 2005)
January - Tells it like he sees it (2y11mo)
Mum is crawling through Liam's play tunnel. Liam follows her in.
Liam: Wow, big bottie in here!
January - Red-handed, or something (2y11mo)
Mum is at the bathroom washbasin, au naturel. Liam runs in behind her, shoves a toy police car up her arse and shouts "BUSTED!"
December - Like Batman's Cave (2y11mo)
Liam is in the kitchen, arranging magnetic letters on the fridge. He turns to Mum and says "Mummy, I think I will put a label on you to be sure what you are. That's a good idea."
December - Tell it to me straight (2y11mo)
Two in the morning. Liam wakes up screaming (as usual). Dad rushes in.
Dad: Liam, what's wrong? There's nothing in the world to be so upset about, sweetie.
Liam (anguished, torn voice): I don't need fairy tales!
December - Fear (2y11mo)
Dad's in the front room. Liam comes in and says "Daddy, come and look at my disaster!"
December - Awwwwwwwwww (2y11mo)
Liam's at the supper table with the rest of us. He says "I like being with my parents. And I don't like being not with my parents."
December - Poetic Sadness (2y11mo)
Liam is sitting up in bed, engaging in his usual sleep avoidance tactics. Dad is sitting, ever patient, waiting for him to drop off at last.
Liam: I need a snack
Dad: It's too late for that.
Liam (shakes his head and stares at the floor, heaves a sigh): That time has passed.
November - Unclear on the Concept (2y10mo)
Liam is attempting to manipulate a garden fork to dig a hole in the ground under a tree. As you an imagine, he is having a very hard time controlling the giant implement.
Liam: Hold still, you silly dirt!
November - He's really, really good at playing with cars (2y10mo)
Liam is in the living room, pushing toy cars around on the carpet. He's keeping up a running monologue of his activity.
Liam: This car goes past that one. This car goes aldunditz**. That one is green. That is red and also red. The wheels on this one go round. This one makes tracks. Brrm brrm. Beep beep. AND THE CROWD GOES WILD!!!!!!
November - Handy Insectoid Resemblance in Case of Sudden World Takeover (2y10mo)
Mummy is giving Liam a bath. They are both in the water. Liam strokes mummy's not-recently-shaved shin and says "your legs are just like daddy's."
November - Words by which to Live (2y10mo)
Liam is strapped into the car. Mum is in the driver's seat, preparing to leave the driveway. Dad is leaning in for a goodbye kiss from the toddler.
Liam: Mummy's driving, so watch your toes.
October - The Scariest Words a Parent Can Hear (2y9mo)
Imagine you are a parent of a 2.75-year-old and an 8-week-old baby. You go into the kitchen, leaving toddler and baby in the other room for no more than thirty seconds. What would be the scariest set of words you could possibly hear from the toddler?
How about: "Have a nice ride, little sister!"
September - God's Gift to the Earth (2y8mo)
Dad and Liam are running around a track on a field. Ahead is a large pile of dirt. Liam is concentrating on his footwork, so doesn't see the dirt until he's fifty paces away. He looks up, gasps in awe and stops dead. He then starts running full speed straight for the pile shouting "I'm coming, dirt! I'm coming! Dirt! I'M COMING!!!"
September - Cordon Bleeuuch (2y8mo)
Liam's in bed. Mum is reading to him. Mum notices he's sitting up with his fingers in his ears.
Mum: Liam, what are you doing?
Liam: I am making tea.
Mum: Oh (Goes back to reading.)
Mum (Notices he's doing it again): Liam, what are you doing?
Liam: I am making tea and supper for you and Ailey. (Twists his fingers around in his ears, pulls them out with a flourish and holds the wax-laden results out for inspection.) Here you go!
September - Plain Talker (2y8mo)
We're in the ferry lineup. Mum is attempting to insert a binky (pacifier/dummy) into baby sister Ailey.
Liam: Suck on it, baby!
September - Self-Analysis for Beginners (2y8mo)
Dad is sitting at the supper table. Liam walks by and, without breaking stride, looks up with a decidedly proud expression and says "I have issues," then walks from the room.
September - Commercial Culture, Dude (2y8mo)
Daddy is sitting with Liam, who is lying in bed. Mum comes in.
Mum: Hi Liam
Liam tucks his chin down to his chest and says in a gravelly voice "WASSSUUUUPPPP!!!"
August - Inadequacy, Parts 1 & 2 (2y7mo)
1: Daddy and Liam are playing trains.
Daddy: Liam, how about clearing up the train set now?
Liam: How about a new daddy?
2: Mummy is feeding Liam at the table.
Liam: My advice is to leave Mummy home all the time.
(What?)
August - Feverless Dreams (2y7mo)
Liam wakes up at 2 am, as usual, screaming as if chased by zombies. Dad runs in, as usual, and asks what's wrong.
Liam: (Dad gives reassuring affirmative replies to each question) Is there an airplane? A big one? An orange one? Will it take Carl the Snake? (Who?) And take green jelly beans for him? Zzzzz.....
...and he's back to sleep until 7:30am.
August - Toddler-Butt Soup for the Parent's Soul (Two years plus seven months)
(Note: This will be hilarious to anyone who has parented a (male) toddler. Anyone else is likely to be non-plussed.)
Dad is giving Liam a bath. He's using his hands to scoop great pools of water over the edge of the bath and onto the floor.
Dad: Liam, please don't throw water out of the bath. The water will drain through the floor and damage the house.
Liam: Oh. In that case, I will stop.
And he did.
July - Fools Not Suffered (Two years, six months)
Mum+Liam are in a plumbing store. The shopkeeper is droning on and on about his kids, absentee wife, bad life choices, etc. etc. Mum is just trying to leave before her smile falls off.
Liam: Hey, man, what you talking about?
Spring - Precision (Two and a bit)
Mum: Liam! Don't throw your plate across the room!
Liam: Actually, that was my bowl.
Spring - Cranial Security (Two and a bit)
We're driving him home one
night. Look in the mirror, see Liam gripping his cheeks and pushing upwards as
hard as he can, making little grunting noises.
"Liam, what are you doing?"
He frowns, as if considering the matter, or wondering how dumb parents can
get. "I'm pulling my head off."
"Oh. How will you put it back on? With glue, or a stapler?"
"A screw. Staples would hurt."
*Tiggle. Verb. 1) to kick with both feet simultaneously. 2) to be extremely two years old.
Tiggly. Adverb. In the manner of something that tiggles.
**Aldunditz: Adjective. Upside-down. He came up with this one by himself when he was 14 months or so, and we thought it was so cute we encouraged it. He still uses it occasionally, at 3 years old.
